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Calling

Posted on by dailypax

I pleaded …

“Don’t take her Lord, we need her. Without her who will teach us about you?”

“You will, and you will teach others too.”

And so – I was commissioned to a ministry borne out of my sadness.
Called while alone and broken.
Not as one would assume … after healing and training.

Sent into a mission field I was already standing in.
No new language to learn, nor a foreign culture to understand.
Simply to “Put on Christ” and abandon myself to a new direction.

Eyes would turn to me now, a simple brown-eyed girl, an obedient child.

A ministry of words, ideas and nuances could be crafted.
A life lived with little meaning was now endowed with eternal meaning.
Reluctant and untrained I accepted the call.

Thus began the retelling of “His Story” through my story.

The Feast of All Souls

Posted on by dailypax

Yesterday was All Saints Day – a day set aside to remember saints who walked before us, to learn from their examples, and to be encouraged by the strength given them.

Today we gather, mourning their death, contemplating our own. The church alive with symbols of life and resurrection – stark in contrast to the black vestments of the priest.

Against warm wood paneling, a frame then a picture emerges. Shimmering candles – both flame and brass, warm sunlight pouring in through smoky windows, dancing off the polished furnishing and pure white fabric on the altar.

Flowers, still adorning, vibrant washes of deep blues, oranges, reds and violets amid the back drop of expected green clippings of life. Their stems, strong, soaking up water – providing life and substance to a fragile structure of leaves and petals.

The priest enters – shrouded in black vestments; the fabric textureless, stiff. Underneath the common white dress-like priestly garment – girded up with thin strips of black, designed to hold the vestment in place yet constraining him as tendrils of death. Although unseen in our own lives they linger around us each.

The paradox is heavy. I sit in this tension of life and death. The past behind me, fixed – no longer flowing – the future, not guaranteed. The only moment I have is before me, a saint in the making, living in the thin space where eternity touches my world.

the Weight of Devastation

Posted on by dailypax

I couldn’t believe what I was saying, to actually give voice to the awful things happening. The words drifted from my lips as if someone else was talking. They floated around me then mingled with the dry summer air. As I spoke I felt the vibrancy of life leave me –

I became heavy. My body slumped and I was unable to move. laying down on the ground I could feel the dry summer grass prickly underneath me. My body yearned to dry up and fade into the dirt – to simply disappear. The knots of anxiety – too much for my heart to hold had now dissipated into numbness – then deep heaviness.

This heaviness overtook me, as if my muscles refused to hold me upright. The ground beneath me, my only comfort. Sorrow pushing heavy down on me, no desire left in me to push back. I lay still on the flat hard surface of the Earth.

My body yearning for what it knows, the cold, dark clay of its origin.

“From Dust thou art and to dust thou shalt return.”

Yet in that heaviness a small spark of something in me whispered,

“Yes, but in glory you will rise from that dust to eternal life. Get up. This is not the end. Rejoice in your sorrow, rejoice. God is near to care for you and your girl.”

The promise of love, of salvation and resurrection call me and lingered.

Powerless and empty, another strength enlivened me, and I got up.

Physical Weakness

Posted on by dailypax

For a while longer I live in this body of weak flesh and bones.
I struggle and moan.
Not to be free of this it, my earthly tent,
but for my body to be brought to its end.
Not to die, but to get rid of the mortal part,
the part that breaks, gets tired and is weak.
My body longs for its fulfillment ~God has already given me the Spiritual part of
this glorified body …
I simply wait now for the completion his promise,
to make all things new.  

 

Separation

Posted on by dailypax

The hollow feeling of seeing her move from me into the world.
A world where I am not really welcome. Nor do I need to be.
A world where my presence screams of her need for help —
My feet stay, but my heart tears apart, as half goes with her.

The same breeze that flips up her hair, enlivening her with freedom,
encircles me
stopping time
emphasizing my isolation

Yet, God is good. And at this moment her independence reminds me of this fact. And so, I am thankful.

All Saint’s Dream

Posted on by dailypax

I haven’t had a dream of my mother in over 10 years – but she appeared to me last night in a quick dream. I don’ t remember much, it was more feelings and warmth – light, all sensory input without words. I remember her coming full in front of me – her face to mine. She looked fully into my face, her eyes looking straight into mine. She smiled, large and wide. No words, no message; just her open face, full of color and life. Warm colors and smells all around her. She was young and healthy, not a wrinkle nor gray hair. Soft locks of warm brown hair fell around her face – and her eyes – smiling. There was a whirl of motion, flowers and butterflies all around her – the movement so fresh and infused with life.

In all my other dreams we don’t make eye contact and she is always busy doing something else. Raking leaves or sitting at a switchboard – this dream consisted of nothing but eye contact and her face … she wasn’t doing anything just looking at me … what a blessing.

Squandered Grace

Posted on by dailypax

Always present, it goes before me and follows after
Unappreciated, taken for granted
Filling in the holes that carelessness created
Always a part of life, like breathing air
Sailing through rough times to emerge unscathed
Disregarding the needs of those placed outside the gate
Thinking only of ego, of growing self-esteem
Blossoming into beauty valued by the world
Lines begin to blur, lines of Honor, Trust, Principle
All mix together to form a convenient familiarity
Complacency becomes the new system, it’s easier
My way, My rules, My life
Decisions made too quickly
Standards … some lowered, some abandoned
The unpardonable sin

Boundaries snapped back into painful focus

Always present, it goes before me and follows after
Desired, held precious, sought after
Always a part of life, like breathing air
Sailing through rough times to emerge strengthened
Regarding the needs of those placed outside the gate
Thinking only of others, of heavenly esteem
Renewed now the beauty once created to become
Lines drawn again, anew, lines of Honor, Trust, Principle
All mix together to form a cohesive, obedient familiarity
Complacency extricated from the vocabulary
His way, His rules, His life
Decisions never made quickly
Standards … never again lowered, never again abandoned
The unpardonable sin, forgiven
Boundaries, freedom is found in perfect service
And love, never keeping back love

Conditional Forgiveness & Unconditional Love

Posted on by dailypax

Thinking about these two contrasting ideas today.

God’s forgiveness is conditional. We are only forgiven in as much as we forgive.

However …

God’s love is unconditional. We are loved no matter what. This we take for granted. We shrug off God’s love as if it’s something of a right.

But think about forgiveness – unless we can turn to our friends, family and acquaintances and forgive them – God will not forgive us.

Could it be that love is something we all need, no matter what. But forgiveness is something that can only be experienced as we learn to forgive?

Something to think about.

Treasures in the Darkness

Posted on by dailypax

I was sitting in the church the other morning.
I’m often there alone and seldom turn on the lights
just for myself. There is a good amount of sunshine
that makes its way into the room.

Before I began Morning Prayer I sat still, quiet.
Reflecting on the crucifix and statues of saints that flank the altar,
I noticed something I’d not seen before.
There is a gold outline on the robes of the saints.
With only a reflection of sunlight they became so obvious.
In the full light they blended in with the rest of the statue.

It made me think of the treasures God reveals to us when things
in our spiritual life are dark. We don’t see the blessings in
the full light of our daily lives … sometimes every thing around us
needs to be a little dark before we can really see the beauty
that is always with us.