My social media feed is full of creative projects, recipes, and shiny holiday craft ideas. I’m intrigued at all the stuff of these imaginative people. Yet all these ideas muddy my already busy life and full schedule. Perhaps this season is a time where less might be more. So, I’d like to share some of my own creative ideas for this season, of things NOT to do. I hope they give you the space you need to have an intentional holiday season.

1. Don’t Say “Yes” to Everything, Give Yourself Permission to Say “No”

Politely say “No thank you” to something, anything. A party, a gift exchange, or the premiere of a movie release. This hardly sounds right, especially in this season of gatherings and activities. But there are only so many hours in the day, and a limited number of days to accomplish everything. In a season of running here and there, accepting every invitation and activity is unrealistic. It is ok to turn down an offer. Give yourself to intentionally evaluating how you will spend the precious time you have.

2. Don’t Have Expectations

Let’s be honest, people don’t always behave as we would wish them to, especially during the holidays. This year, try and accept everyone as they are, without the expectation of them being different – if you know that certain aunt is going to say something unkind, do not be disappointed when she does. You could beat her to the punch by saying something nice to her. Find the peace that comes from within. Don’t allow another person’s behavior to disturb your holidays … If this tactic is not practical, revisit #1.

3. Don’t “Should” on Yourself

My holidays are often full of my own sharp self-critique, expectation issues again. I obsess on how I could have done better. My mind is full of “shoulds.” I “should have” spent more money on his gift, or I “should have” sent my Christmas letter earlier, or I “should have” shopped in October. The season demands a lot, be gentle and accept yourself as you are, not as you think you “should” be.

4. Don’t  Try and Do Everything, Let Go of Something – Anything

I remember the year I stopped sending Christmas cards. I had ordered a huge batch of those clever postcard-photo things. They never went out, and I discovered that NOT sending mass Christmas cards did not cause any harm. And it was one less thing I “should” have done. Find something on your list that you can let go, and let it go (cue annoying “Frozen” music here).

5. Don’t Forget the Reason for the Season

I know a trite, overused phrase, but it is a good one. Remember the first Christmas was a simple one. A young woman bore a sweet warm child in a humble stable. The couple had each other and not much more. We recently celebrated St. Nicholas Day. I mused, “What would this Godly man, a Bishop actually, think of the crazy commercialism that now characterizes this blessed season?” As Christians we should not only remember the “reason” behind the “season,” but we should take the time to think on the gift that Christ is, not only to us, but to the lost and dying world. This reality should be reflected in all we do and say.

6. Don’t Be Extra, Exercise Moderation

I have NEVER regretted using moderation, whether it’s in drinking, eating, shopping, or talking. I will exercise moderation by not expounding more on this simple principle.

7. Don’t Skip Rest

It is tempting to stay up late to wrap gifts, or address cards, or complete a project, or clean … but overextending oneself can lead to fatigue, which can lead to illness and irritability. It seems counter-intuitive, but rest might be MORE important during the holidays. Don’t skip the time your body needs to renew and refresh itself.

Talk Less, Listen More

Holidays are wonderful, but not for everyone. Perhaps this is true for you. We all have expectations and unspoken desires. These get pushed aside with all the hustle and bustle. Allow yourself to step away from all that chaos. Stop and listen to those around you. Give them 100% of your attention, be fully present in each moment. The best gift we can give is ourselves and our genuine interest in the other. Yes, even if it’s your mean aunt.

Before the chaos fully engulfs you, take an intentional 30 minutes to reflect on these “Don’t Dos.” Look at the simple questions below. Go further and set a timer, get out a journal, and turn your phone to airplane mode. Be still and listen. The holidays will come and go, and they will become the fabric of our memories. Accept your limitations this year and create good memories. I’d love to hear what resonated with you. Email me if you want to chat about it.

1. What are my goals for this holiday season?
2. Where do I KNOW I will struggle?
3. What will I do, intentionally overcome or avoid this barrier?
4. Which of Lisa’s ideas resonate most with me? And why?  

I have had an odd relationship with the idea of thankfulness. My earliest memories of being thankful came wrapped up in the torturous duty of writing thank-you notes. I know my young mother was trying to instill within me a sense of being thankful. But the task was always tinged with duty and properness. I recall sharply her edits of my thank-you notes, “Write it again.”

Full of childhood spelling and grammatical errors, her rebuke told me that my attempts to express my gratitude were — not enough. I may have only been 9 years of age. The message came through though, my thankfulness wasn’t enough, unless it was perfectly and properly expressed.

My parents caught the tail end of WW2. I scarcely remember ever going without food, I grew up in a nice home, with more than I ever needed. But this was not my parents’ experience. My mother was from a large family with a single mom growing up in east Los Angeles. My father was the only boy in a family of rice farmers in west Louisiana, hard working poor people. They both struggled with hunger and lived a life of general lack.

My childhood was overflowing with the things they never had. And they were going to make sure I knew how blessed I was. Especially at dinner time. The meal was not complete without the command to EAT everything on my plate.

“You should be thankful! There are starving children in Africa!” Along with this was the shameful admonition, “Be thankful you’re not one of them.” It was difficult to reconcile the idea that I should be thankful my life wasn’t as miserable as those “starving children.” So, thankfulness became more about guilt and lip service to parents who lived an experience I knew nothing about.

I was in my early 20s when I participated in a project to provide school supplies to low-income families. It was raining hard the day I delivered a backpack full of new school supplies to a single mother in a town only about 12 miles from my comfortable home. The place was on a small dark street with little parking. I struggled through the dirty rainwater and finally found the home, a tiny back house. When the woman opened the door, I was shocked at the condition of the building. I could see the rain water draining from the larger property under the door’s threshold. I say “threshold,” but there wasn’t much left of it, all broken away with rotting wood. The children standing behind her were full of joy at receiving new things for school. I was overwhelmed and left feeling so selfish that I had complained about my new shoes getting wet in the rain.

There it was again. Thanksgiving enmeshed in the shame of having more and not being one of “them.” Unable to reconcile, I ignored the contradiction. Never taking the time to sort through what it meant or how I should deal with it. Funny how you can avoid reconciling inner contractions until you can’t …

About 10 years ago one of my children was traumatically injured in a terrible car accident. She should have died. She didn’t. As she struggled to recover from a multitude of brain injuries and physical limitations, the “encouragement” came in from well-meaning friends. “Oh, be thankful she’s alive.”

Yes, I know, I was thankful she was alive, but my feelings of thankfulness could never replace the confusion, doubt, and pure grief I was experiencing. As if thankfulness were some kind of magic salve to make suffering vanish. Does one necessarily replace the other? Can’t they exist together? Both components in negotiating the messiness of life? Can we experience gratitude and sadness at the same time? I was thankful she was alive, but at what cost? And how did being thankful make things better? I sat by her bedside day after day trying to reconcile this paradox.

I asked God to help me. I wanted desperately to be thankful that she was alive, but I was also faced with the devastation of her diminished life. As I prayed, I felt directed to look at Scripture and discover what wisdom I could find there.

Down a rabbit-hole I went, which happens often. First, I stumbled upon all the expected definitions of thanksgiving. Acknowledging what has been done for you or given to you. Then the concept of a “sacrifice of thanksgiving.” Something that is offered at the conclusion of a great battle. Thanking God for a victory. I was still waiting for my victory. Yet, this idea was connected to the phrase a “sacrifice of peace.”
A sacrifice of peace. That is what I needed: PEACE. In Hebrew the word for this type of sacrifice is Shelem. That is so close to the ancient greeting of peace, Shalom. I believe they have the same root.

Shelem, noun;
     1. Peace offering requital, sacrifice for alliance or friendship.
     2. Voluntary sacrifice of thanks.

That was it! VOLUNTARY. A voluntary offering of thanks. This offering was nothing required or demanded. Nothing you “should” do, but something offered voluntarily.

This sharpened my understanding of what my mother was trying to do. She was trying to instill within me an idea of thankfulness yet the motivation was all wrong. She aimed at the ACT of thankfulness not the SOURCE of thankfulness. Thankfulness is a response. The interior attitude is the goal. And I’m convinced that it must be within the context of a lived experience. That day in the hospital, my friends offered what encouragement they could. Yet they were not living my experience. How could they understand the devastation that faced me? I quietly began thanking God for saving her life, yet I never stopped pleading with him for a full recovery. I was beginning to understand how these two aspects of honesty could co-exist.

This Thanksgiving I am taking a fresh look at my life, my blessings, and my struggles. Now my offering of thanks as a response for what God has done for me. It no longer is a duty. I focus on the beauty of remembering who I am, where I’ve been, and the multitude of struggles I’ve lived through. It isn’t about the “quality” of my thanks, that they’re offered with well thought out, perfectly spelled words, or even proper grammar. I am free to offer thanks enmeshed in my frustrations and doubts. And these expressions are enough. It is living in the truth that God has been faithful to give me whatever I have needed. Not always what I’ve wanted, but what I needed. Gratitude is something I can experience and express even if weighed down with confusion or sadness. Yes, God saved her life. I’m eternally grateful for that, yet I will live the rest of my life in the tension of this blessing and the multitude of issues she’ll face her whole life. Thanksgiving isn’t something I offer to simply set my mind at rest, no, gratitude is something that can and should exist no matter the situation. It is an interior attitude that steps back from whatever is at hand and says, voluntarily, “God, I thank you for all you’ve done.”